I haven’t been writing for a while.
I have found a new way of exploring my creativity and it feeds me better than writing.
I have been painting furniture with acrylic paints and varnishing them and have just started to sell them. I have an Etsy and Amazon shop and recently got a workshop/studio to expand and grow beyond my former self.
Dabbling in the many creativity pools over the last two decades left me rather irritated with the whole thing. I have never really got what I put into it. Writing allows me to express myself and my experience on this material level…but it did boil down to a solid ‘so what’.
I lost interest in your approval or understanding.
I lost interest in trying to teach you anything to make your lives/understand/coping methods better. You, the readers, are mostly passive, if you don’t understand me or what I have tried to explain and haven’t asked me for further explanation, then I have to walk away figuring that there is no interest in what I am talking about.
So I have moved inward….Deeper, further, more, is my affirmation now. Go to the core, deeper…why? What is the truth here?
I freely admit to being a psychic vampire, I wrote and published a book on it for a start. The responses to it was very positive. I didn’t reach many but those that I did reacted well. My slant is different to the mainstream but many did get what I was trying to explain. Being seen and understood was a need then…not so much now.
But I had to go deeper, the story did not end at the last chapter.
There is a buzz when you create something. When I finished my books it was sheer elation. Energy food floods in….nomnomnom. That was a first clue.
To link inward to a creative source was hard at first, I needed someone to show me how. I energetically linked to another and saw how he did it. Comprehension was slow…I needed confidence and have always lacked that in my creation. But I was inspired by the buzz and found some of my old paints, and painted the rusty old door of my little freezer in my kitchen. I felt the buzz and was fed… deeper, further, more…a cabinet that wasn’t being used, a Teak Sideboard found at the dump for a fiver, a chest of draws, a mirror, a wooden basket…my skills improving infront of me. Copying images is flowing to piecing together many images to seeing the images in my head and painting them, bringing them into this Objective Univers from the Subjective….becoming a Creator.
The energy field that I have been feeding on, is huge. In all my years of ambient, donated and stolen energy to keep level I have never had so much.
I am a Creator.. I feed from the Creative Source. I am still trying to understand this further but it is real, deep and consistent.
I don’t need people anymore.
It has taken me a few months to work out what I was doing and to trust it. Paint is glorious colour to mix and blend with endless possibilities. It is so very scary to be in front of a piece of furniture or canvas and just do. I understand why I have faltered here in the past. I also understand why people need passion and drive to to this. It gets to the point of the fear is overcome with the need for that food, that passion and link to the Source.
I am still addicted… I still need to feed. But now I don’t need you.
So the dance is still going deeper, further, more.
I feel different and cleaner in my energy fields. I cannot bear unkindness and the bitchy behaviour of most of Facebook these days on any level. Mean spirited words and passive aggressive behaviour is like an irritating bug that must be shooed away to do its thing someplace else. I see clearer into the heart of things now and am less focused on people. Politics of any sort no longer amuses.. it makes me feel like a parent, children please stop this nonsense. I don’t care so much any more about the larger bullshit picture. The small stuff is where magic is now worked.
Be kind it costs little and stains less. Trust me on this.
I am moving away from reading people and their worlds of relationships, career and outer wants… look deeper, further, more. My tarot and crystal ball reading days are over…I no longer grieve for it.
I still see energy, spirits and demons, there are many more of them these days as the fear levels rise. I understand these vampiric spirits very well, not all of all them cause the fear to feed off it….many try to help. The larger ones are wankers that have been playing the same game for centuries and don’t want it changed. They are much more scared of change than you are. I do want change…and from the ground level up..only by movement do we grow. Chaos only looks bad to those that need stagnation.
Change is my friend..these large vampiric spirits are trying to keep us in the same paradigm. If you are scared of change you are feeding the vampiric demon spirits. I see it too clearly now. Lighten up…the best way of moving through the fear is to laugh at it…satire is white magic here. Those that make us laugh when things look dark and scary are our heroes, they hold the fear at bay if we let them
To those that follow love and light, angels and sun beams, I am a monster. I get it and don’t care any more. I have been what they are on both sides of the illusionary fence. I have been the demon that feeds of anything it can find to survive and the healer that gives of herself until there is nothing left….. but I learnt to be more much and I am still evolving.
Today I am a Creator.